I am bad at the updating. Mostly because I am addicted to facebook and don't generally have anything to say that's all posty mcposterson...

But anyways... here are some things that I am doing:

1. Avoiding my taxes. Really. Haven't done them yet. Will probably be getting a refund too. It's like laziness with a dial that *goes to 11*.

2. Studying as much as I can be arsed. Term ends April 25th and I have a final on April 21st and another one whenever I bother to do it.

3. Working out like 5 days a week and lifting twice a week. I have been doing this for like SIX WEEKS and think that I might have actually started to notice that maybe my pants are a smidge looser. Maybe. Grumbles.

4. Working a lot. Had a big client (the biggest, really) go live March 2nd, have another one going April 6th, and then the last two from the legacy system sometime in may. So. That's...coming along. EMAILS!

5. Sewing stuff for the upcoming quest event.

6. Errr... watching tv? Yeah. And fooling around on Facebook. Yup. That's me. I'm horribly interesting, I swear...

So, you'll have to pardon me. I'm watching the Obama Inaugural Celebration on hbo.com and getting all weepy. But it occurs to me at this particular moment in time that it's easier for me to explain why I'm majoring in public service...

I feel like our election of the best man for the job, regardless of his skin color, is the beginning of the delivery on the promise of America. I have always believed in my country, have always been proud of the ideals that we strive for, even when I am disappointed in our ability to achieve those ideals.

And I wanted to help. I wanted to be a part of the solution, and I wanted to lend my arms, my head, and above all, my heart, to that ideal. I wanted to know, at the end of my career, that I did something worthy with my time - something which helped more than me, more than my child, more than my heirs.

I want to believe that there are answers to our problems - poverty, inequality, racism, and the whole host of other seemingly intractable problems we face together. I know there may not be total solutions, and that I might have to accept partial solutions, or even barely adequate solutions... but I want to do something hard. I want to do something worth it, and I want to do something worthy.

I want to be a stone that causes ripples in the pond, affecting things beyond myself, perhaps without ever knowing that it was done, but above all, happy to be doing what I'm doing, even when I feel like I'm failing to achieve my goals.

A good friend once told me that the path of progress may not be easy to walk, and it may seem as if you are not making headway up the mountain... but you should instead notice that you have not yielded backwards even one single inch...

Tomorrow... is one giant step up that mountain.

Current Mood: hopeful

I have been a bad livejournaler because ...well... a variety of reasons I guess. Posting has fallen out of my normal daily routine, I've had more things to do, I feel like I can't talk about whatever is going on, etc... anyways.

I decided to do a 2008 retrospective. I'm fairly certain I do one every year, although I may have missed last year because I had the death virus.

I have this theory that whatever you do on NYE you will end up doing all year, and I have to say that it's pretty much worked out like that for the last couple of years. Last year on this day I was deathly ill and went to the doctors, went to bed a bit early, etc. This year I was sick twice more and spent a lot of time going to doctors for random illness, pains, and other hypochondriac fascinations. Heh.

It was a pretty fabulous year. I earned 19 more credits towards my degree, putting me firmly in the midst of my junior year at college. I went to my first honor's convocation, and accepted awards and ate really expensive appetizers. Mmmmelitism. I was then awarded the Chancellor's Evening Scholarship, along with two other people, and spent almost the entire first check on trying to get out of debt. It didn't go well, because I quickly charged it almost all the way back up again, but I had a hell of a good time getting there. I also attended a scholar's retreat in August and talked about educational things, hung out with younger people, ate camp food, and saw the creepy carp of pymatuning. It was a good nerd year.

I learned a lot about love and marriage. I learned that some of the things I thought were my flaws were actually my features. I tried to see myself through other's eyes and learned that I am rather harsh on myself and should be more gentle. I fell in love all over again, maybe for the first time ever since it feels so different from all the other times I thought I fell. I told people things that I thought they should know, which opened the door for them to say things they thought I should know, and it brought me closer to friends, family, and others.

I learned to stick up for myself when it matters, and how to determine if it matters or not. I broke a board with my hand and became a regular combatant. *chuckles* I was firm with people instead of shrinking from conflict. I was polite, and diplomatic, even if I sometimes had to slip into other characters to get the job done. Those characters are still a part of me, even if they have different names and clothes.

I didn't get out of debt nearly as much as I would have liked. I spent too much money on going out to eat and iTunes and didn't spend nearly as much as I thought on coffee. I didn't lose any pounds, actually gained some, but I learned that I have to watch it, even if I am teh hottness of awesomeness. I fell out of my fitness routine because each time I devoted myself back to it, I got sick. I learned the importance of getting my rest.

I had to deal with car stuff twice - but both times someone else hit me, so I'd like to pretend that maybe this year, no one will hit me, their fault or not.

I said yes to too many projects, and consequently have learned important lessons about saying no. I threw myself a birthday party which was one of the best birthday parties I can recall having, and fell in love with cooking by myself on fridays.

I spent a lot of time on the computer, some of it well spent, and some of it just spent. I bought a lot of cool toys, thus probably why I didn't get out of debt like I would have hoped, but my toys distract me from the possibility that I might not get out of debt ever.

I made a lot of progress at work, felt like I was getting somewhere, and still had to suffer the painful realization of defeat a couple of times. I was kind of a "can't be arsed" employee at times, and at others, I worked overtime on Saturdays and the night before holidays. I tried to be productive, even if I got distracted by my unlimited texting plan one too many times.

I went to a lot of new cities and visited a lot of people who I've always said "oh we should come and visit" but then we never did. We put a lot of miles on the new car, too many for the lease actually, so I have to try and put less miles on in 2009.

I bought shirts that cost more than it takes to feed a child for a year according to the UN's world food programme. They were a reward tho, and they feel fabulous against my skin, so I want to say that it was worth it.

I didn't spend nearly enough time with Anthony, but I don't think I'll ever think I spend "enough" time with that boy. I tried to make our time together count, and I feel like we connected on a deeper level this year, sharing music and movies and our secrets together.

My 2008 was interesting, fabulous, busy, fun-filled, and mostly drama free. I learned a lot, did a lot, gained a lot, didn't lose very much, and moved my goals forward. I couldn't hope for too much more in 2009, I mostly hope that things continue, friends stay close, I keep learning and growing and moving forward, and that things stay interesting, busy, and happy.

And I hope for love, laughter, good food, good music, good times, and the gentle feeling of center to pervade the whole big shebang.

And I hope for all of these things and more for all of you. ;)

Current Mood: accomplished

to all of you out there, I wish you a very merry christmas and a blessed, unexpected, interesting new year...

;)

Term is over! Term is over! its over its over its over!

I took an astronomy exam and then the astronomy final tonight - and if I did the math correctly, I got an "A" in the class. Woot! And hopefully I will get A's in the other two. I know I did as much in the HR class, just not sure about Tae Kwon Do. I mean. You know. I got A's on the exams and did the tournament, but I got a B+ for forms on the midterm. So if she doesn't like my forms on the final, then I guess... oh, I dunno. It would be nice to keep the 4.0 so I wouldn't have to stress about that when it comes time to apply to law school.

But! So! Happy! Its! Over! Seriously. It could not go on for one more day. I literally would have died or something. Ok, I'm being dramatic, but whatever.

Work is insane. Two major clients want to "go live" on the new system on the same day. January 2nd. All of my vacations have been sort of cancelled until I can get the system into the ready state. And of course both clients require significant modifications to the underlying architecture to make sure they are getting what they want - HALF of which are not even finished in the programming stage. So, waiting on the vendor on that one. But... I may have actually gotten the first one pretty close to the demo stage today, and I should receive a lot of modifications tomorrow, so they say. We'll see. I may have to work briefly this weekend.

Oh, and I got sick on Saturday night, and I've been toying with it since then. So of course the asthma is kicking up and keeping me up at night with the hacking cough. So yes, when I say that term is over and it literally almost killed me - IT DID.

but it's over! so now I can play video games and drink and watch tv and read books and take bubble baths and do all those things that normal people do when they aren't going insane from school. WOOT!

This semester is a bit rough for me. I'm taking three classes at once, even though it's only 7 credits. I didn't think the third one would be that bad, since it's only one credit, but that one credit happens to be full of tae-kwon-do-goodness.

So, between using up another of my evenings in the week, making me do those horrible stomach exercises (which I think are actually becoming easier, woot) and making me realize that I had to go get the knee finally checked out (I have tendonitis and have to do PT for four weeks), I have also become much better at conflict resolution. It has made me realize that people 'front' on you all the time and try and intimidate you into giving them what they want.

yesterday, I broke a board with my hand. With my hand! It was the most amazing thing I think I've ever done. Seriously. Mostly because I didn't think it was going to happen. I'm standing there, next to my instructor, and she's telling me the how-to's and the what-for's and while I wanted to believe I could do it, the rest of me was pretty convinced that this was a solid object and wouldn't be breaking anytime soon.

The look of elation on my face when I did it. I must have said four times "I broke a board with my hand!" with this insane tone to my voice. I made the Grandmaster laugh. I made the audience laugh. I made my instructor very very proud.

I amazed myself.

And now that's become the mantra for me, when I start to think that something is too hard, or will take too much effort, or that I can't do it. I broke a board with my hand.

That's the good word for today - do something that scares you - something you aren't sure you can do - and then enjoy amazing yourself.

I share my country with all sorts of Americans. People who believe in lots of different things, and have diverse views, and that's all ok. In fact, its more than ok - it's expected, and regarded as the highest form of democracy.

A country's liberties are judged not by how it treats its supporters, but by how it treats its dissidents. And of course... Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.

Tonight, however, tonight I share my country with people who believed in a dream. People who made a difference, who voted for change, and voted for a man with a vision. And some of us did it because he was black, some of us did it even in spite of this, and some of us, me included, just did it because we agreed with what he had to say, and we believed in him, and in us, and in what we can do when we work together, instead of against each other.

Tonight is a wonderful night to be a public service student. A woman. An American.

And while lots of people will say - YES WE DID - I believe that now is when our real work begins. So, I raise my glass to everyone, I extend my hand to all of you, no matter who you voted for - and I ask you to continue to believe that now, more than ever...

YES WE CAN....

1. So. Tired. of Politics. Can't wait for tomorrow. Voting, free coffee, and no more calls from people trying to get my vote.

2. Group project of doom is nearing completion - finally! Several edits, one 2am night (not a friday, le sad,) one intervention, one email, one phone call to the professor, and three minor freak outs later... it might be done. Eh. Tired of it. Don't care anymore.

3. Astronomy is kicking my ass. Need to do four more units THIS WEEK to add up to the FOUR I did last week to stay on pace to actually finish the damn thing before the end of term. Gah. Have to focus and keep on task so I can run off next week and be all user-conferency.

4. The knee is undergoing physical therapy. I have more arthritis than a girl my age should have, a wide Q-angle, and kneecaps that fall higher than what is to be expected. I have tendonitis. Some of this is genetic. Some of this is degenerative. Some of this can be fixed. We cannot go to the gym until we have finished PT. We are sad. We are doing pilates with Lisa and she is teh awesome because she puts up with me whining. We are going to lose 20 lbs by the convention. GO us!

5. We are learning that life is even more unexpected than we can even imagine.

so I'm subtle.
My "big gesture" and my reaching out isn't that big, and my arms aren't as obvious.
But I'm doing it.
I am trying to communicate.

I wrote you a poem. It's about how we're falling apart.
And I sent it to you. In an email, without a body or a subject.
And then I told you I sent it, in one of those little message windows.

And even bigger still, I mentioned it to you when you got home.
And you said you got it, but that you didn't read it yet.
And we're been sitting within 20 feet of each other all night.
And you haven't mentioned it.

I'm drawing a line in the sand. Right here. And I'm going to stand
on this side of it. Because I am done chasing you.
And I am done pleading with you to see me.
And I am done begging with you to let me in.

If you want me, fight for me. Come and get me.
Because I am too overly convinced that our entire life is just my doing. I want to see what you can do when given the chance.

Don't blow it.

1. Just got back from Gettysburg (well, like 4 hours ago, but I digress) and we had a great time. The park is amazing - it was absolutely incredible to be surrounded by such history and stuff. I took some great shots, and some not so great shots. A lot of the ones I took in the late day were over-exposed, so I have to actually start learning about some of the higher functions of the camera. Poo. Work.

2. I really need to work on not looking at stuff that is likely to upset me. But I am sort of dumb in that regard.

3. Another giant milestone in the "learn to deal with conflict effectively" is that I finally managed to tell the one person who really needed to be told that he really needed to back off, step away, and recognize that life didn't turn out the way that I wanted it to, but that now I was ok with that.

4. School is absolutely kicking my butt. Which is why I'm here updating livejournal. *rolls eyes at self* Actually, I just got finished with a chapter in astronomy and am trying to de-stress for a few before I run off to bed. Gah.

5. Doc appt tomorrow. We're going to discuss the knee. I want an explanation for the random stabby pain, and perhaps some sort of "do this and it will stop doing that" prognosis. I am high maintenance like that.

6. Upgraded my phone plan to unlimited data and 5000 txt messages because apparently I sent and received 1,400 of the little buggers last month. I swear I am not a 15 year old girl.